I was diagnosed with and have been treated for clinical depression since I was 14 years old. Thinking about that now, as an adult, is so sad to me. I was such a young child with such deeply dark emotions. My daughter is 13 and I couldn’t imagine if she had to deal with the types of feelings that I was having at such a young and innocent age.
I started journaling when I was 13, not realizing how special that would truly be. I was having the time of my life with my best friend, becoming interested in boys, and just being young and having fun. I, for whatever reason, wanted to document all the fun things I was doing and I’m so glad now that I did. I look back at those journal entries from time to time, and in the midst of the fun and happy memories that I cherish so much, are deeply sad and confused feelings. How and why did I feel like that? It breaks my heart for my younger self.
The years following I took some very wrong paths and exposed myself to situations that I should not have had to experience. I’m sure mostly because I was depressed and didn’t care, but also because I had chosen the wrong types of people to buddy up with. I don’t feel sorry for myself about those times even though I would have preferred to not have gone through them. They were a learning lesson to me and are things that are just part of my past and have shaped me to become who I am now. I’m thankful for life experience and that I got myself out of that life.
As an adult, I have a very good grasp on the psychology behind depression and other feelings, and I have overcome so much. I like to try to encourage those I know who have similar struggles. But I still do, and always will, have depression. It’s controlled really well with medication, but of course I still have bad days.
However, my life lately has changed somewhat drastically, and it for sure is taking a toll on me. For a long time I was doing great and taking care of what needed taking care of, but it was as if one day I woke up broken. I felt like everything I had known as a reality had shifted, and I had no idea how to function in the same way anymore. I find it harder to just get up and take care of things. I easily become overwhelmed, and at times I shut down. It is a work in progress, and things will eventually get back to normal in my life, but for now each day is unpredictable. One day I’m fine, happy, living like a normal person. The next day I wake up feeling down with no motivation to even get off the couch. Other days I’m miserable and teary. It’s frustrating for myself and for my family.
I’m a Christian, though lately I am struggling with my walk. I find it hard to even want to do anything about that at times, but I know I still have the Holy Spirit in me. I’m aware that God is walking right beside me through all of this, and all I have to do is reach out to Him and He will be there. I have people praying for me, but I find it hard to be able to pray for myself. This is just a season in my life where I am struggling in more ways than one.
I haven’t written this post to come across as though I’m seeking attention, because I’m not. Honestly, I’ve written this because this is my blog, and it is my place to write about anything. This is primarily a beauty blog, but it is also a lifestyle blog, and right now, this is my life. I’m one that needs to vent my frustrations and get things off my chest all the time. I’m not good at keeping in emotions or pretending to be ok when I’m not. So this is me, in the raw. The real girl behind beautifully influential. Later this week I will have other, much more positive posts to share. But today, this is what is on my heart and I’m just sharing a piece of me with you 💋